How to Improve Pokémon X & Y: The Troll’s Guide
By now the world has witnessed the announcement trailer to Pokémon X and Pokémon Y which, subsequently, slipped millions into a Pokémon-induced coma awaiting its October release. With the latest installment to Nintendo’s famed Pokémon franchise, the series is finally making the transition to a fully realized three-dimensional world. To celebrate the excitement further, we’ve tasked our resident Pokémon expert with weighing in on the new games.
Tim Acreback is Press Play’s energetic, eccentric, every-man who only knows Pokémon (or as he calls it, “PokeMAN”). He’s as candid, distasteful and brutal as they come, but there isn’t anyone better to put a vise-grip on the situation than him. Get ready to be enlightened because here’s what Pokémon X & Y should do!
Heya folks! Name’s Tim – Tim Acreback and I just heard that Nintendo’s bringin’ back some Pokeman action on that DS3 or whatever it’s called. And yeah, I said Pokeman because that’s what you gotta be if you’re gonna be the best – a god damned MAN. A true master ain’t got time for all them apostrophes, accents and whatever ‘mon’ means. What language is that? Anyway, if you wanna dominate the game and rip the competition to shreds, then you best buckle your… belt buckle because Tim Acreback’s about to tell you what this new Pokeman game’s gotta do to win.
What needs a changin’: As much as I love me some good ol’ Pokeman action, why the hell can’t our main dude find a decent ride? A bicycle? Rollerskates? You gotta be kiddin’ me. We go ‘round flattening any dudes who cross our path, earning Gym Badges left and right and ain’t no slick-ass ride available? How are you supposed to woo the ladies and attract the tough Pokeman on a rosey red bike? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
The change: With all the magical energies and crazy Pokemans we got out there, can’t we stuff a Charmeleon in some kind of exhaust system? Yeah, it might be cruel but all we’ve done before is make em’ fight each other anyway. How about we use our heads a little, right? We got all them fancy science guys working day and night and nobody’s thought of usin’ a Pokeman or two to blaze around town? C’mon man. And don’t be stealin’ that Charmeleon idea – I got some names picked out already. Charmocycle, The Charinator, The Flaming Lizard but, oh that’s right, can’t use that last one since I already nicknamed somethin’ else of mine with that. If X & Y are gonna work, the hero needs a nice ride. Plain and simple.
What needs a changin’: I’m sick and tired of all these damned sissy names for all the new Pokeman. Vanillite? Trubbish? Cottonee? Yeah, ‘cause the first thing I’m gonna reach for when facing a strong enemy is a Pokeman that thinks it’s a pillow. Oh, but don’t you worry ‘bout a thing Tim! Your next Pokeman is made of trash – that’s good, right? WRONG. Where’s that old-school toughness to a name? Graveller, Machamp or how ‘bout Beedrill? Damn thing is a bee with a friggin’ drill attached to it! If that don’t say how badass you are for catching it, nothing will. Probably will net ya a lady or two as well, boo-yah!
The change: Throw out the cutesy, nasty, vanilla ice cream Pokemans and get some old fashioned toughness up in here! It ain’t hard! Look, I’ll give ya a free one. How ‘bout Musclecles? You know, a mixture of Hercules and muscles? Now that’s genius and way better sounding than Oshawott. I mean, what the hell’s that thing anyway? A bluish, raspberry ferret? I can’t even say its name! Bring those Pokeman names back down to earth and give em a nice, solid foundation. Oshawott, don’t make me laugh.
What needs a changin’: All these here vid-ya games be blowin’ things up all over the damn place. Yet, when you summon a huge, burly Pokeman like Onyx it can’t break a pebble! If you ever saw an Onyx you’d expect it to wreak some havoc! If it can grow to 28 feet and can tunnel under the ground at over 50 miles-per-hour, then I want it to be pullin’ sides of the friggin’ cliff down! I mean, when it evolves into that crazy Steelix thing, it’s even more powerful. C’mon man! Ain’t no reason these Pokemans are supposed to be all locked up tight. We know that it just ain’t feasible.
The change: If you get a Pokeman like Onyx, Steelix, whatever, you should be able to take a nice big chunk outta the goddamn wall and throw it on top of those cursed Gyms. Can’t protect a Gym Badge when you ain’t got no Gym, right? Ahahahaha. KA-BOOM BABY!
What needs a changin’: Everyone in their right mind knows how important it is to breed the perfect beast. Without them perfect stats, you just ain’t good enough for ol’ Tim here. But hey, I say that there ain’t enough options when you breed. Feedin’ em’ crap is alright I guess, but I want some crazy limbs or something that really distinguishes the new breed! I’m talkin’ flippers on my Charizard or a dragon tail on my Pidgey.
The change: You should be able to opt for some kind of ‘Abomination’ mode. Why does a Pokeman have to come out all perfect and exactly the same? C’mon, there’s definitely… you know, some ‘special’ Pokemans out there. Maybe one’s gotta lazy eye or somethin’, who knows? The point is, you should be able to get some crazy results. Imagine a Pokeman baby that goes all wrong and ends up half Tangela and half Scyther. That, right there, should be in the game! Besides, don’t you give all your HMs to some nobody in your squad? Well, they’re useless anyway so make it an abomination!
What needs a changin’: There’s a whole lotta ‘M’ rated vid-ya games out there right now and Pokeman’s always rated ‘E’ for everybody. Well, if you’re gonna have stuff like breeding in these games then it’s your duty to show the kiddies how it’s really done! If God of War can get away with them sexy mini-games, then why not Pokeman too?
The change: Okay, okay, add some kinda adult slider or whatever, but after that it’s game on! When you start breeding your Pokemans, the game should have you hammer away on one of the buttons, you know, for realism. I mean, after you’re done makin’ that lil’ one you can pick up a flower for the mother or somethin’ nice. Just sayin’ that this, for realism’s sake, should be in the new game!
What needs a changin’: In all them Pokeman games, you can give your buddies all manner of goodies to eat to help their training. However, all the stuff you give them don’t sound like trainin’ material to me. Giving a Pokeman a Rare Candy? How does that help anything? Nah, we gotta have all manner of items available and I’m talkin’ ‘bout the good stuff. You know, well…maybe ya don’t, but if professional athletes of today can do drugs, they gotta be able to help these Pokeman too!
The change: Doesn’t always have to be a good thing, but it’s about time we hit the darker side of Pokeman. You don’t think some trainers ain’t givin’ their Pokeman the good stuff? They’ll do whatever it takes to get ahead and that option should be available to your boys too!
What needs a changin’: Speakin’ of gettin’ an edge, how come if somebody is doin’ nothin’ but evil things that we can’t slap em’ silly? Who makes that rule, huh? TIM SAYS NOBODY. If you’re bein’ a complete jackass to me I shouldn’t just be able to fight your Pokeman – I wanna fight YOU! Who cares of that dumbass is a trainer? He’s controlling the Pokeman, so it’s strategy if I take him out with a little one-two, ya know?
The change: I’m sayin’ that if a fight rolls out, you should have the option to throw sand in the other guy’s eyes or somethin’ along those lines. Time to grow some hair on your chest boys and girls! Hard to see how you’ll be able to tell your Gengar to do anything after just receiving a swift kick to the nads. Hey, you probably deserved it, haha.
What needs a changin’: Some dudes are just evil, through and through. Ain’t no way I’d let anybody go who has terrible intentions. Oh, you gotta take over the world with all your super-powerful Pokemans? Ok, you can go. NO! What spineless dog would say such a thing? I’d sick my Arbok on that scoundrel and I’d never let em’ go.
The change: Uh, killin’ dudes.
Andrew Whipple III Tim Acreback isn’t writing or arguing about why “Pokeman Red Version” is the greatest game of all-time, he’s a dedicated Ash Ketchum fan who loves to drink beer and write romantic Zubat fan fiction. But don’t tell anybody that.